Invisibility

Over the past few weeks I’ve had a number of discussions about what it means to be invisible.  Many people who don’t fit societal norms do so in ways that are not visible.  For those with certain diseases they are often assumed to be ‘faking’ their illness or disability.  Many people automatically assume that they are being lazy or otherwise trying to leech off of society.  For those of us who fall under the overall umbrella of LGBTQ* we are often invisible in other ways.

Someone who is bisexual is assumed to be straight if they have an opposite gender partner.

If a woman does not look like a stereotypical dyke it is assumed that they are straight.

A Trans* person who has passing privilege is automatically assumed to be a man or woman depending on their own presentation.

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Reunion and Old Friends.

This weekend was the 40th anniversary of one of the elementary schools I went to, Alpha Alternative School. As I recall one of the reasons I ended up at the school was because I was refusing to go to regular schools. I had had quite a bad experience t the mainstream school I had been at previously and had quit before I turned ten years old. Being a small school where the segregation between grades was blurred almost into nothing students got to know students at all levels and ages and ages. There were also some close friendships formed that lasted after leaving the school.  Over time I lost contact with pretty much everyone I knew at Alpha.

Over the past year and a bit I have reconnected with a few people via Facebook and have been active in the Facebook group for the school and alumni. The people I connected with directly who were friends already knew about my transition and were accepting and supportive. Even with this prior contact I was nervous about how it would go. Intellectually I knew that given the progressive nature of the school and the openness that there would likely be no problems at all.  Emotionally there were all sorts of nerves and doubts. I know that for myself, even though I am out and not stealth, any time I am out and being explicit about being a woman who is transsexual I get nervous about how I will be received. In this case, as I had known intellectually that it would be, I was welcomed and accepted and I am very thankful and touched. I am quite glad that I went and pleased to be reconnected with old friends.

Toronto Pride – One Highly Sensitive Introvert’s Perspective

This past week was Pride week in Toronto.  From June 22nd to July 1st there were a lot of official and unofficial events happening in Toronto around Pride.  With so much to do, and so much of it with groups of people, often large groups of people, it is easy to wear oneself out even if one is an extrovert.  My strategy before going to Toronto was to make sure I was mostly relaxed and rested.  I also tried – in vain – to find a comprehensive list or lists of what would be going on during the week.  Knowing what would be going on was the first step in managing energy levels.

With the Trans March on Friday, Dyke March on Saturday and the big Pride Parade on Sunday I knew that the final weekend would involve a lot of people and a lot of noise.  I ended up doing a number of things on the first weekend, but not too much, no events on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday and then the run through the weekend.

Thursday’s events were fairly calm without too many people until later in the evening, and I didn’t stay too late. The highlight of the day was the discussion on Bringing Your Whole Self to Pride. The speaker, Notisha Massaquoi, was fantastic and the discussion after the talk was excellent. The Trans Rally and march on Friday was very well attended and I was able to do things after it, but I was still done before midnight and heading back to quiet space.

The Rally and Dyke March was a bit different for me. I got down to Church St. early to have some time before the rally to do a few things, check out booths and meet up with my mum and my sister.  The weather was bright, sunny and hot – did I mention I don’t do well in hot weather?  After the march there was some down time as we went for a late lunch. I spent the rest of the afternoon checking things out, but I was wiped out by 20:00. Staying longer would have been possible by dipping into reserve energy and not having any energy for Sunday.

Sunday morning I went to church followed by brunch and time on Church St. before the parade.  The Parade was intense. It was my first time being down for the parade at all, let alone participating in the parade. After finishing the parade route I did stick around seeing much of the remainder of the parade. I watched some of the performers, but when two sources of loud music started to conflict with one another my energy level started dropping fast.  When I hit the end of my energy I found a streetcar and headed back to a quiet place to recharge my personal batteries.

Not too long ago I would have pushed myself with events like these and ended up making myself sick or over stressed. This time I planned ahead and had given myself permission to leave when I lost energy or felt overwhelmed.  It made all the difference.  I also planned my time so that I had a travel day before going back to work.  The train trip back from Toronto was time that was spent in relative quiet, enjoying scenery and relaxing so that I would have the benefit of my vacation time when going back to work.

Today I had more than enough energy to get up early and cycle to work and start to get back into the swing of things recharged and ready to move forward. It is possible for those of us who are introverted and / or highly sensitive to go to large events, we just need to be aware of our limits.

 

On being introverted and highly sensitive

Two parts of me that have always been there are my being an introvert and highly sensitive. These attributes are an important part of who I am. Unlike most of western society I do not get my energy from going to parties,  clubs and being around a lot of people. I recharge my batteries with quiet time alone. Further, being highly sensitive, particularly in my hearing I can get over stimulated in noisy environments which drains my energy. This means that when I am in situations that are over stimulating for me that I will sometimes withdraw from the conversation at hand and ‘turtle’.
What does this mean for having “a life”?

It all depends what you mean by having a life. Given that I am single, if it means going to clubs Friday and Saturday nights, busy Sunday activities and something most nights then I don’t have a life. That is an extroverted life that will quickly drain an introvert. For me having a life looks a lot different. When I go out it is usually with a few people, usually friends to something or somewhere that isn’t overwhelming. After being to an event where there are a lot of people I need some time alone to restore my energy.

When I’m particularly stressed or over stimulated I find my senses become even more sensitive. One instance I was riding on the bus and I found myself noticing all the little harmonics from the diesel engine, in another instance the alcohol swab prior to an injection almost made me jump through the ceiling. At times like this time alone and quiet are the only way to restore my energy and return to a more ‘normal’ state of being.

This month I have been on vacation from work, taking all of my annual vacation time in one block. I had all sorts of ideas about things that I wanted to accomplish in that time. Have I done them all? No, but that is okay. I used the time to deal with some lingering issues in my personal life and recharge the mental and emotional batteries. I have also been able to identify some things I would like to get done before I go back to school in September. I have already let people know that come September my energies will have to be focused on school and my job. I will still do things, but only as my energy and internal strength  allow.

It comes down to balance.

Christmas: A Time of Cheer and a Time of Sorrow.

In Canada and many other places in the world Christmas is a time when we are constantly told that we should be cheerful and celebrate Christmas with friends and family. Stores play cheesy Christmas music starting in November. For many Christmas is anything but cheerful.

For those who have lost loved ones to accidents, illness, age or violence Christmas is a time of sorrow. A time that would have been spent with lost loved ones.

For those who have been rejected by their families and friends because they are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, transsexual or for other reasons Christmas becomes painful and depressing. They can’t go home, they can’t spend the time with their loved ones. They are alone.

As someone who has been fortunate not to lose most of my family I think of those who have lost family, friends, jobs, homes and sometimes their life savings. They are in my thoughts and prayers.

Denying One’s Past

One of the challenges that faces people who make the transition from one physical sex to the other is what to do about one’s past. On the one hand there is a strong desire to live (in my case) as a woman and never return to being male. People see how I present now. They see a woman. What happens when the discussion rolls around to school, past relationships, health concerns etc.? There are three options:

1. Lie. Make something up. Create a past as it may have been if one had always been female, or always male if you are female to male. This means creating a new past and being consistent with it.

2. Be non-committal. Short answers, no definite information. This is somewhat easier than an outright lie and can still conceal that one is transsexual. This approach leads to less interesting conversation and less back and forth.

3. Be straight up. This is probably the most difficult approach. It will likely lead to questions and in being out. It is not conducive to being ‘stealth’. It also leaves the door open to rejection, abuse, discrimination and possibly worse. On the other hand it means one is open. People will get to know you for who you are, which includes one’s pre-transition life.

I have used options two and three at various times. Fear of rejection is what usually triggers the use of option two. This fear is natural, everyone has it from time to time. It is easy to give in to. There are also situations where option two is the right option, where it would be inappropriate to use option three. For myself option one is not an option. I will not pretend my past did not happen. That I wasn’t married, didn’t sing in a men’s choir, and many other things that have all contributed to who I am today.

For others in transition, the choice is yours. I am not in your shoes. Do what is right _for you_. In many parts of the world, and even North America going stealth is often the wisest and safest choice. Whichever way you go, be true to yourself and what you need.

Confidence.

This weekend I started riding bicycle again. One of the challenges cyclists face is dealing with cars and other motorized vehicles. My ride to church involves a left turn, at a light, to a major road followed by crossing from the left lane of traffic to the right lane and then at the end of that road get past the right turn lane to be in one of the two left turn lanes. Fun stuff.

Growing up in Toronto I was used to riding on Toronto streets. Having left Toronto in 2001 for the suburbs and then on to Kingston I hadn’t done a lot of riding since the early 1990s and hadn’t been on a bicycle at all in about 4 or 5 years.

Three years ago I began my transition.  A large part of that process is shedding old mannerisms, learning new ones, changing how one speaks and the vocal range. Becomming confident in one’s new gender. [Yes 'new' is an awkward term here but in this context I am referring to one's outward presentation.]

Confidence. Easier said than done, especially if one does not ‘pass’ very well in the new outward gender. Confidence, something that wasn’t always present prior to transition, despite what I may have presented on the outside. How does this tie into my starting cycling again?

My overall confidence level is fairly high. I refuse to be intimidated by those who have issues with who I am. I was not intimidated when an abuser threatened to ‘out’ me to a company I work with prior to my coming out to them. The same confidence applies to cycling on busy roads. I will not be intimidated by other vehicles on the road. Cautious? Yes, they are heavy and can cause serious injury or even death if one hits a bicycle. I follow the rules of the road and expect them to do the same. I will not let fear and intimidation keep me from being myself, or from riding a bicycle on public roads.

As I said in chat last night, “I’m here, I’m not going away, get over it.” I am going to live my life, people who have problems may ask questions, I’m happy to help educate. If your problem with transgender / transsexual / LGBT etc. are such that you can’t adapt, all I ask is that you treat me with respect. We do not have to be friends.

Talia Johnson

 

Identification, Gender Markers – being outed when showing ID.

One of the ongoing problems for transsexual people is being ‘outed’ when they show ID.

When one is transitioning there comes a point where a legal name change takes place. In Ontario this means filling out an application, having a guarantor / reference attest that they know you, signing the document and having it witnessed by a commissioner of oaths. Send it off along with the required fee and, all going well it goes through and you get your new birth certificate and a change of name certificate. Sounds wonderful until you dig a little bit deeper.

What happens when you try to have your sex changed? Now things get a wee bit more complicated. For one’s driver’s license a letter from your doctor stating that you are on hormones and living as the desired sex on the license is enough to get the license changed when you bring it along with change of name certificate and old driver’s license to the appropriate licensing location. For the health card I was told when I went to have the name changed that the sex should stay as “Male” to ensure that procedures I may need while I still have male genitals will be covered. The requirements to change the birth certificate are rather more intrusive. In a nutshell Section 36 of the Ontario Vital Statistics Act, RSO 1990 requires that:

Where the anatomical sex structure of a person is changed to a sex other than that which appears on the registration of birth, the person may apply to the Registrar General to have the designation of sex on the registration of birth changed so that the designation will be consistent with the results of the transsexual surgery.

What this means is that any time a person who is medically transitioning and has legally changed their name is required to present their birth certificate they have to out themselves as being transsexual. It also leads to some confusion if one has to present two pieces of identification. I present the driver’s license, it says female, present birth certificate, it says male. How to confuse a person in one easy step. It also leaves one open to potential harassment and discrimination.

Other provinces are even more stringent. New Brunswick requires that the driver’s license gender matches the birth certificate – which can only be changed after surgery. Saskatchewan also requires a “full transition” (see Transgender person seeks provincial ID change) which means full surgery. This has a negative impact on those who either do not desire to have SRS or are unable to undergo the surgery due to medical or other reasons – often financial.

The laws that dictate how one changes the gender marker on vital identification are overdue for an overhaul. For those in Canada I urge you to write to your MPP, MLA etc. and push for this change. Many provinces also do not protect transgender / transsexual rights in their human rights code, and the legislation federally to add protection to the federal human rights legislation died in the Senate with the dissolution of parliament and election this spring.

This doesn’t even begin to discuss the problem that those who are transgender and do not desire to transition face when they have to show identification when they are not presenting as the gender on their identification – something which also needs to be addressed.

Talia Johnson.